For my second movie review I have chosen BloodRayne. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, maybe to give some redemption to the last 2 hours I just wasted. This is actually the second movie based on a video game that I have recently seen. This genre has been a miserable train wreck in the past (Super Mario Brothers) so I wasn't expecting much. The first movie was Doom with The Rock and some dude who's name I have already forgotten. This was a pretty straight forward rip of Aliens, which, if you're gonna rip an action movie, thats the one to rip. So not so bad. Dumb, but I knew what I was getting into.

BloodRayne has made me remember just how pointless bad action movies can be. This one had it all. Appallingly bad acting, non-sensical casting, crummy music, cheesy swords, Billy Zane, loose ends galore implying at least one sequel, the list goes on. At one point there is a black vampire with a cool haircut hanging out in what I supposed to be about 15th century European peasant land. Head shakingy awful. On the plus side it was gorier than I thought it would be, and there some prostitutes in the movie that are supposedly real Romanian hookers! Its hard to sum up just how pointless and awful this movie is in the amount of time I'm willing to invest, so I'll get on with the rating. If a 1 is Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach and a 10 is Cabin Boy, than this movie gets a 1.3 or Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Alright, I just had an idea. Although I'm pretty sure there's only one other person who looks at this blog, I'm gonna ask people to leave their own epitaphs. After much consideration my own epitaph will be "Punch it Chewie!" So leave yer epitaph already! This is gonna be one of those things like when you have a party and no one shows up. Oh well.

The Olympics finally come to a close today, and while Canada took home a shitload of medals, we lost at hockey, rendering all the other medals totally meaningless. So screw you speed skaters. We can now return to not watching regular CBC programming.

Fatter than Orson Welles


Take a look at the happiest animal on Earth. The article didnt say what the cats name was, so I'm going with Rob Reiner. Rob Reiner is 31 inches around at the waist and weighs 33 pounds. Whats the cause of this outrageous size? Glandular problem? Genetics? Maybe its the six pounds of chicken and pork it eats every day. Why?!?

So Cheney finally said a few words yesterday about blasting his buddy harry in the face with a shotgun. Among other comments was "I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend and thats something i'll never forget." The weird part was he was smiling when he said it. Easy there Dick!

But seriously, the vice-prez, who only had 1 beer before he went out hunting, said that "it was one of the worst days of my life". After being asked what the worst day was, besides realizing his daughter is a lesbian of course, he said "Well, about two years ago I accidentally shot a family of four sitting at a picnic table eating a bucket of KFC. Damndest thing, they looked just like a bear." Jeez Dick, keep it holstered!

For my first movie review, I chose a real humdinger. Its an action packed romp around Europe, filled with twists and turns and international intrigue. Yes, Coliseum Home Video's WWF World Tour 1992 goes from the theatres of London, to the, uh, arenas of Spain and Germany.

It opens with a dandy between the Mountie and the Texas Tornado. The highlight of this match is commentator Bobby Heenans claim that the Mountie is going to give a lecture at Scotland Yard the next day to give them some crime fighting tips. He also mentions at one point that it looks like the Tornado is starting to suffer brain damage due to a sleeper hold. Madness!

This is followed by a bunch of Davey Boy Smith fights, including a decent slam of the Earthquake. In that fight the British Bulldog is accompanied to the ring by Andre the Giant, who walks to the ring with the help of a cane. Of course he later hits earthquake with said cane. A lovely bit of good guy cheating.

Other matches include Roddy Piper thunder clapping his way to victory over the Barbarian. This is followed by "highlights" of the royal rumble that year, with such luminaries in the ring as Sgt. Slaughter, The Repo Man, The Mountie, one of the nasty boys, Hawk, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, a "Baron Mustafa"?, and thankfully the British Bulldog. Guess who won? Just awful.
Then we get a taste of what made the wwf great for a while there, with an IC title match between Bret Hart and Rick Martel. I forgot how Flair like Martel could be. Great stuff.

But the main event is great. Macho Man Randy Savage versus Sensational Sherri era Sean Michaels. It ends in a win for the Macho Man, but the match ends in one of those "the loser has gone berserk" things where Michaels grabs Savage's belt and whips him with it until a bunch of suits come out and look scared for a while until the bad guy gets tired and goes to get something to eat.

And that is my movie review. Expect more the next time I find a wwf tape at a junk store for a dollar. Oh yeah, my ranking system. If a 1 is LionHeart and a10 is Rambo 2, than this is a 7.4 or Iron Eagle 2: Son of Lou Gossett Jr.

Uglier than Scottie Pippen?

Just so everyone can better understand how the vice-prez could accidentally shoot his buddy Harry Whittington in the face i'll provide this comparison. See? They're practically twins.

Get the fuck down! Cheney's got a gun!

Yesterday, Dick Cheney's bloodlust finally got the better of him, and he couldnt help but dump a load of buckshot into one of his geezer hunting buddies. People say that old people shouldnt drive, how about driving around looking for stuff to shoot at?

I took the Raptors to cover a 7 point spread today against the lowly Trailblazers. Beer in the fridge, game on the tube, and I'm going back on the dole on monday. Lovin it.

How about that "sports betting scandal" in hockey. Pro athletes gambling on sports? Why I never!?! I nearly swooned when I heard the news. What about the dignity and noble tradition of our beloved pro sports?

World War Three

Well here we are. It's the twenty first century. Spaceships to pluto. Microscopic robotics. Instantaneous information transfer around the planet and beyond. And danish cheese is racist against an arab schizophrenic who died 1500 years ago. Sounds about right.

I personally am fine with this. I like the idea of WW3 getting started with a cartoon. Its always what you least suspect. A pissed off serbian anarchist. A pinch faced syphilitic fascist reprobate. And now a 3rd rate editorial cartoon from denmark, which by the way places it around eight millionth in terms of ranking possible factors according to likelihood. I imagine there is not enough money on earth to pay off a bet on that shit. Oh well. I always said people should pay more attention to comics.

Robert Crumb said that most comics contain "escape fantasies for pimply young boys". Of course this is true. Most of the rest of comics falls into the Garfield or Hagar the Horrible mold; unreadable gibberish that is more confusing than funny ninety-nine percent of the time. Now a new form emerges. The comic that is meant to enrage people, and not in a constructive way. Not cartoons of fat-cats wiping the crumbs from their mouths with the emaciated bodies of third world poor, but cartoons of Hitler making sweet love to that wacky slut of the second world war, Anne Frank. I dont know if the whole Muhammed cartoon was designed to insult and provoke (probably was) but at least it wasnt paedo-necrophilic. I'm sure this latest cartoon will inspire some equally grotesque retaliatory cartoons from Israel and various Jewish media thugs. Than, inevitably, the U.S. will have to start arming themselves. I belive this will begin with Charlie Brown seeing Linus with his blanket wrapped around his head, and believing he is Al-Qaeda, shoot him in the face with a hunting rifle. Al-Qaeda will then respond, but missing the cultural point as usual, will simply publish cartoons which instruct the best way to blow yourself up in the editorial cartoon department of your local infidel newspaper.

With any luck this will lead to a new arms race. A rapid escalation in the number and quality of military grade cartoonists around the world. Drafts will be re-instated. Top secret jokes from the cold war will be told for the first time. The cartoons will get larger and larger. Aircraft carriers will be retro-fitted to carry nothing more than gigantic cartoons which will be able to annoy millions of people instantly, and permanently. The streets will be choked with airdropped cartoons of all kinds; Muhammed eating a BLT with a jew from palm springs, a jew raping an underage store clerk for not accepting a 6 year old coupon, Muhammed riding a tandem bicycle with a rabbi, an american wiping his ass with torn pages of the koran and sticking them to the front door of the temple mount, and on and on. Then Israel will nuke Iran and the world will end. Good grief indeed.

Someone published a cartoon of my God! Jyhad!!!

I dont know about mom's new boyfriend.

Wel come to my crappy blog. This a home for jerks to act jerky without jerks givin 'em guff. So jerk it up.